I have been married to my husband for 8 years and just like many wives, I too wish to have a lasting marriage.
However, I will admit to you that there were times when I thought that I made a mistake in choosing the right husband for me. There were times when I hated him more than I love him. There were times when I thought about leaving him because I didn’t feel loved and appreciated… but I THANK GOD THAT I DID NOT.
So, is there really a “lived happily ever after” when two lovers get married?
I know 8 years of being married is not long enough to be such an expert person in the subject matter of relationship and love- and I must admit, I am always learning. But please let me share with you what I have learned on how to make relationships work and I hope that these would be helpful to you too.
1. Once the feeling of being-in love is gone, real love begins.
What do I mean with this? After the period of cheesy, mushy, heavenly feeling of falling and feeling in love with someone, you will start to see the things that you do not necessarily like with the other person.
The girlfriend you appreciated for looking good when you go out on a date is now the annoying wife who takes hours in the bathroom to get herself fixed.
The boyfriend you were proud of for being smart and dependable is now the irritating husband who always nags when he sees something that is out of tune.
I believe this true to every relationship. After the heightened emotion of being in-love is over, we get back to reality. And the reality is that you and your partner are not perfect. But we need to accept this fact, otherwise, we only jump from one relationship to another. And so we need to decide and commit to stay in love.
I realize that Love is not a feeling, but rather, Love is hard work. When I come to accept this, it became easier for me to deal and worked on the imperfections of our relationship.
2. You need to discover the love language of your partner to be able to show love.
This is probably the biggest relationship-changer for me. You see, I was like other people. I thought that the way I want to be loved is also how my husband want to be loved. Was I ever so wrong in my life.
According to Dr. Gary Chapman, there are 5 Languages of Love. These 5 languages are different ways to show love to a person, and each person has their own primary love language- the way for them to feel that they are loved.
The 5 languages of love are:
1. Words of Affirmation
2. Quality Time
3. Receiving Gifts
4. Acts of Service
5. Physical Touch
A person who has Words of Affirmation as love language will feel very much loved when he is always told “I love You”, “I appreciate what you do”, “You’re doing a great Job!”, “I love how you did this…”, “Thank you for doing this..”
A person who has Quality Time as language of love may appreciate these words of affirmation, but may not necessarily feel loved when his spouse is not spending time talking to him, or when they aren’t going out on a date. He feels much more loved when he is in the company of his loved one withĀ undivided attention.
You see, Ā for years Ā I and my husband have been showing love in the wrong language. I didn’t know that his love language is “Acts of Service” and he didn’t know that mine is “Quality Time”.
Since I go to work, I leave most of the house chore to our helperĀ so I could spend more time taking care of our daughter when I’m at home. I didn’t know that I could show my husband that I love him if I just make him his coffee, prepare his meals, or trim his nails (now please don’t judge, I have a different love language!) I did little act of service for him. I could just imagine how little love he must have felt from me.
At the same time, I didn’t feel that much appreciated and loved too since we seldom go on dates- just the two of us. We always go out as a whole family. We go out of town to visit relatives or be with friends, but not alone together as couple. He showed love thru the language he knows- he washes the dishes when the helper is not around, he fixes our bed, he pays the bills- but all these things didn’t speak love to me. Perhaps now you see the disaster! We both love each other and express it in ways that do not speak love to us!
I shared this discovery to my husband and we made adjustments almost instantly. Now we feel much more loved by each other and we are happier definitely! š
3. Love is a choice.
We are humans and we make mistakes. Our partners may do or say things that hurt us. We may fall short of expectations. We may disappoint one another. And we may even hate each other sometimes. But we always have a choice. We can choose to forgive and move on or dwell in past failures and allow hurt to continue to wound us. We can choose to listen and see things in our partners’ perspectives to be able to understand,Ā or refuse to seek understanding. We may choose to stick thru thick and thin, or leave when the going gets tough.
I choose LOVE. I choose to love my imperfect husband like he chooses to love his imperfect wife. I will choose to always forgive him. I will choose to always have hope for him. Just like Jesus loves and forgives us. Together we will do our best to make sure that our marriage will have the “Happily Ever After” ending.
What a great post. Very well written and so so true!
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Thank you! I appreciate your comment very much! āŗ
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Knowing your partners love language is so important! My husband and I have definitely had to make some changes in that area as well. I love your honest and encouraging post!
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Thank you! I’m glad that you find my post encouraging. š If you like reading that much, may I strongly recommend you read Gary Chapman’s 5 Languages of Love- there’s tons to learn!
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I just looked it up on amazon to read!
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Awesome! It’s the best psychology/sociology/self-help/relationship book I’ve ever read! I couldn’t put it down when I’ve started reading it. š
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Fabulous article on the different languages of love!
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Thank you very much for your kind remarks! I truly appreciate it! āŗ
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Reblogged this on juantetcts and commented:
Today is perfect day to discuss the various languages of love!
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Thank you for sharing! š
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SO TRUE! Thank you for being honest. It’s not all sunshine and roses all the time.
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Definitely! It’s up to us whether we let the rain turn into storms or make it stop and paint the rainbow! š
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So true! Great post Nina, thank for sharing.
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And thank you for reading! š
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This is so true Nina! Your honesty and heart shine through in this post. We all feel love differently and figuring out what your partner needs to feel loved is vital to a happy marriage. Great post. Love the last picture. ā¤
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Thank you Nikki! I truly appreciate your remarks. It’s a joy to read! I guess you must have know yours and Steve’s love language- you’re both sweet to each other in your comments every time I read your posts. š
And thank you for noticing the picture! You’re the first to say a word about it. Lol! š
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We read that book several years ago. My result was clear cut…his is split between two. He’s so difficult. š š š
That picture is lovely. ā¤ Perfect for this post!
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It’s a wonderful book. I hope more couples get to read it! āŗ That’s one of my favorite pics on my wedding day! Hehehe…Taken after the party at the reception š
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Beautiful ode to love Nina! Practical and Unconditional love = Lasting Love. For how we treat our mate is how we treat ourselves. (Also loved your reference to the 5 love languages. A resource we refer to often in our own marriage.) Your posts rock! Thanks Nina. ššš
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Thank you very much Dr.Andrea! Your comment means a lot more to me than you may think! Really, I am very grateful and sooo happy! Happy Valentine’s day! šš
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Happy Valentine’s Day to you too Nina!! Feels good knowing that my feedback means so much. You earned it. Your words make your readers happy. ššš«
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I genuinely appreciate it! Thank you! āŗ
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Great post. A friend was telling me about this book and the 5 languages of love only the other day. All so important š
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Thank you Judith! It’s nice to know your friend knows about it too! š
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š ā¤
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A very wise post Nina. I am still looking…
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Oh you don’t need to look Brigid… that person will find you in His perfect timing. š
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š
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Very wise for just 8 years of marriage! Some take far longer to learn and practice these things…some never do. I like the explanation of how when the “newness” rubs off, the real love begins. A very insightful point! Good post!!
Steve
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Thank you Steve! š I’m glad that I love to read because most of the insights that I learn are from the things that I read (and I hear from credible people/speakers)… but then again, all these insights would be nothing if not applied religiously in real life.
Thank you again for visiting my blog. I appreciate it! š
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And thank you for visiting mine! You are right…there were a people in the bible named the Bereans who studied the scriptures daily to make sure what the apostles of Christ were teaching was true. A good example for us to follow regarding all teachers!
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I wanted to pop over and say hi! I love this post AND love your page! The layout is awesome, easy to navigate! Do you have social media linked? Twitter?
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Thank you Dray! I’m glad that you came over and love what you see! š (yey! I’m really happy!) I don’t have any social media linked yet. I plan to, but hasn’t got the chance to make one yet PLUS I will need to figure out how to link it too! āŗ
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When you do let me know and I’ll follow. It’s a lot easier throughout the day to keep up with things. š
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Alrighty! I sure will! š
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Very true . Love is not always pretty … It’s called compromise .. Being who we are ….
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Right! It’s seeking to understand, reaching out, compromising and believing that it’s going to end well. š
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